Bring. It. On.

Today I went for a walk. I am trying to exercise every single day for a minimum of 30 minutes. I chose to walk today. Not just walk, but, actually storm through my neighborhood.

My heart felt so broken. I felt so suffocated by hope-crushing despair. I felt trapped and less than. I looked at what other people had and felt inferior and lost. How could I be that worthy? How could I matter that much? How could I change myself in order to change my circumstances?

I was literally power walking in sunglasses, so the neighbors wouldn’t judge me for my tears. Hot. Mess. Mama. My tennis shoes hit the pavement like anvils and I prayed to God. I basically begged Him to make me enough.

Ever have days like this, Mama?

There I was moving as quickly as I could to avoid turning into a dang puddle on the side of the road. My heart was heavy. My limbs felt stiff and my chin was quivering. Why could I not make things better by simply improving myself? Or was there no amount of change that would make me enough?

I mean, I had prayed over this area of my life for over a year only to receive no miracle or change. All I found was more pain and disappointment. What was God waiting on? What was He trying to accomplish? Why didn’t He want things to be better?

I looked to my Heavenly Father and in my mind I whispered, “Please, God, just make me enough. Make me worth it. Make me better. I will do anything.”

That is when it hit me. The devil was on me like white on rice. I had allowed the enemy to use heartbreaking situations in my life to tell me that it was a me issue. This truly was spiritual warfare at its finest.

I was more than enough. I looked at what I did every single day for my family, no matter sickness, health, exhaustion, restfulness, depression, starvation, or fullness. I showed up. On time. With bells on. Wearing a game face.

I looked at what I did to achieve my personal goals. I was disciplined and consistent. I did not sleep on my own dreams. I chased them and didn’t care a bit about who thought it was ridiculous.

I looked at who I was as a friend. I have been a Matron of Honor a few times. I have been the ear and the therapist. I have been the one to show up with pull-ups and supportive words. I have remembered birthdays and anniversaries and always answer my phone or texts. I am a beast of a friend.

I looked at who I was as a daughter. I make time when there isn’t any. I make plans and I keep them. I call just to say hey. I cheer my parents on. I am still learning from them. I rock at being their kid.

I am so good at being a supporter that half the time I don’t even have to hear the request, I just fulfill it. I am such a lover of mamas that I see beauty in their spit-up covered tops and disheveled mom buns. In fact I now call those “Mama Crowns”. So why the heck was I being so hard on myself? Don’t I tell y’all all the time that we are in the same club? So why could I not see the goodness in myself?

Because the devil is a liar. A good one. That’s why.

I felt in my soul as I paced the culdesac outside my home, God remind me who I am to Him. He reassured this battered, torn, messed-up Mama heart of mine that He chose me. He created me. I was more than enough.

The devil may accuse me, may doubt me, and may wreck my heart, but my God was already taking His gloves off. Bring. It. On.

John 15:16
You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you.

If you are with me today or there tomorrow, hear this:

YOU ARE ENOUGH. YOU ARE A BEAST. YOU ARE A FORCE. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. YOU ARE WORTHY.

Anything that shows you otherwise is toxic and of the enemy. Get away from it!!

You, Mama, are absolutely incredible.

1 Peter 2:9
But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.

11 thoughts on “Bring. It. On.

  1. Dee says:

    The Devil whispered in her ear, “You’re not strong enough to withstand the storm.” She stood up straight, wiped her tears and whispered back, “I am a prized and precious child of the King. I am the Storm.”

  2. ArtisanX says:

    This is so incredibly inspirational. I am incredibly impressed with you strength and wisdom to analyze and be so critical of yourself and then be willing to fix it. So many people I know would not even begin to get past those initial thoughts. PS in no way do I mean this to be creepy- but your eyes are so hypnotic. Just beautiful! 😊 Is a shame that you would have to hide them because of reasons like this! thought you should know 💕

  3. Jordan says:

    Shew! This was good! I got chills around this part:

    “I was more than enough. I looked at what I did every single day for my family, no matter sickness, health, exhaustion, restfulness, depression, starvation, or fullness. I showed up. On time. With bells on. Wearing a game face.”

    And you’re right. The devil is a phenomenal liar. Thankful for your willingness to be vulnerable so that we can see ourselves in your story and remember that he is telling us the exact same lie. I am claiming the truth with you this morning. <3

  4. Steph M says:

    Girl, I’ve never read your blog until today. You sound like you are speaking directly into me. Thank you for being faithful and brace to share this, because it reached me when I needed it the most.

    My husband and I are walking out of a season of infidelity, and raging postpartum anxiety/depression. I had my 4 to baby last year. Life is hard for the obvious reasons. But, it’s grown infinitely worse as my in laws (who are full of social workers and counselors) have blamed me for all of this. It’s been maddening and none of it makes sense – who blames a suffering mom and threatens her in the most vulnerable time?!

    Then, God reminded me… It’s because I’m stronger than every single one of them, in character, in virtue, in faith. The devil hates me and the potential I still offer the kingdom of God and he’s throwing every weapon left at me. You reminded me of the true dynamic I am in.

    He chose me for this – not so I will succumb and list everything He gave me. But so all of this destruction creeping in at our feet will fall under them in the days to come. I can’t wait to see this used for God’s immense glory.

    Truly – thank you. Sending you warrior mom love today and in the days to come.

    • hotmessmama2017 says:

      I am so glad that you read this and glad that this made an impact. You’re worthy of a good life, faithful marriage, and a joyful season with your children. You just keep your head up at Him and your side of the street clean. That is all you can do. I have gotten through a lot of deceit, slander, and things that hurt our children. God will make you an overcomer. I’m glad that this met you right where you are and reminded you how brilliant you are as a mom. I hope you continue reading and I am so grateful to meet you. You have a lovely name. Lol. I have so much love for you and am sending you so much prayer. We have a prayer group on my Diary of a Hot Mess Mama’s Facebook page. You can also find me on Facebook as Stephanie Trembley. I’d be glad to have you as a friend. Hang tough, mama! There is always hope and an end in sight. ❤💪

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