Sometimes I want to laugh when people tell me that I have it all together. Most people simply remember the me before recovery and require very little to be impressed by who I am today. Even after nearly 8 years, it’s like I buy groceries and there is a “way-to-go” parade through town.
I have improved, but I can promise you my stuff is not all together. When I am busy or overwhelmed or overtaken by the infamous mom-brain, auto-pilot often fails me. Just yesterday I was rushing around and stopped for gasoline.
I pulled up to the pump. I opened the door. I went to remove the gas cap only it was on the opposite side of the vehicle. My heart raced. I was going to be late. I needed to go. I had places to be and did not have time for this!
I jumped back into the car almost like one of those action stars in movies. Visualize the stunts, the grenade-dodging, the chaos. Picture a mom with hives and deadlines car-sliding as a bomb goes off just inches from her. She looks tough or in control right? Yeah, that is how effective I thought I was being.
The Ford was restarted and in gear faster than that imaginary bomb that had just gone off. Credit card between my teeth, I pulled up, reversed, and repositioned that SUV to the opposite side of the pump like Richard Petty, y’all. It was the stuff of legends.
I opened the car door. I went for the gas cap. It was where I left it on the other side of the vehicle! Yep, all that epic stunt work to make the same rookie mistake at the same gas pump in the same 5 minutes. I was rushing and I failed. I would have cried if I had been able to stop laughing at myself.
I do NOT have it all together.
For the last 2 months my family has faced a Goliath-sized difficulty. In the beginning it was easy to look at how everything we loved was covered by the shadow of this towering giant. Then something changed. I prayed. A LOT.
I remembered who God is. How big God is. How much He loves me. I also remembered that God doesn’t have grandchildren and my family was going to be ok. Suddenly that shadow melted more and more and the giant became the size of a gnat. All we had to do was swat at the little bugger.
The more this giant threw at us, the more God’s timing was at work. The more that this hideous beast of problem demanded our attention, the more scripture I read. The more people I talked to. The more prayers I said. I started prayer journaling. I did all sorts of things that fed my faith and starved the giant.
1 Sam 17:26
David asked the men standing near him, ‘What will be done for the man who kills this Philistine and removes this disgrace from Israel? Who is this uncircumcised Philistine that he should defy the armies of the living God?‘
Today we face this giant head on. My hope is that the beast will resemble something more human. I pray that my heart finds compassion and forgiveness and healing in a room half full of evil. I am reassured by my faith that my family’s days of dealing with this issue are done. I trust my God with all of it.
Today we conquer our giant.
1 Sam 17:45
You come to me with a sword, with a spear, and with a javelin. But I come to you in the name of the Lord of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel