I Am Not a Succulent

I am on my second round of succulents. My first batch got too much sun and too much water. They’re just too low maintenance. I did some research and decided to give it another go.

I read that these plants only need a small amount of water every 2 weeks and need to be in indirect sunlight. I remember thinking, “I can totally do this. This is exactly how I kill every other normal plant I come into contact with.”

It has been hard, y’all. I walk by them each day and I want to ask, “Are you sure you’re ok? Do you want me to get you anything?”

But every 2 weeks is their magic care plan. They’re thriving now and I have named them all. I know, I’m a weirdo, but it makes them matter more to me.

Last week, though it started well before then, I had a breakdown. I cannot fully explain how helpless it all was. Emotions were high and I couldn’t contain them.

It felt like the sky was falling and that if it fell on me that would be okay because I was pointless. I know, dark and extreme and 50 shades of crazy.

But it is real. I have never known a dark like that since I have found God. It scared me. I knew all this truth in the bible and I had a history of overcoming, but I was feeling like an educated idiot.

I was anxiety ridden and my heart was racing. I was guilty and full of shame when I would have an outburst. It’s as if all that energy and all that sadness had to get out and I couldn’t point it at the “right people”. (No one deserves an outburst) I felt panicked all the time. My chest was tight. I couldn’t breathe.

So, I went to my doctor and we talked and I cried (kill me) and I told him how bad I felt and how I didn’t understand because I had such a great life.

He looked at me and said, “You have every reason to be stressed. You have every reason to be anxious. You carry a lot and this is your body’s way of telling you to stop. You are here because you’re at the end of your rope and you can’t take it anymore.”

Then I cried a lot more. It was encouraging to know I was only mildly crazy. He instructed me to make myself do the things I love even when I didn’t want to. I was told to find ways to alleviate some stress by delegating responsibilities. I wanted to laugh at that one. This control freak does it all, hoss.

The doctor reminded me that I belonged to myself too and I needed to take care of me.

I’m not a succulent.

My devotion and worship have been slipping. I never exercise anymore. I dont get enough sleep. I rarely tell people no even when I really want to. I barely write. My upcycling has been feeling like work. I’m just not me.

I sounded like a sailor who had been on mute for 20 years. If we had a swear jar, I would be broke. But maybe I am broke. Money can’t fix that. Someone told me once that when we break, we crack and that’s how the light gets in.

Cue my mother. “You can’t fill cups with an empty pot.”

That chick knows everything. I need to fill my soul with all of the right things, so it can tell my mind to slow down. I need to breathe. I need to stop waiting for the next thing to happen and just let them happen and maybe even let them pass by untouched by me.

I’m not low maintenance. I’m definitely not no maintenance.

I’m not a succulent. I need to be fed and given light every day. I also apparently need an antidepressant, but the truly great thing that happens is when I slow down and breathe long enough to watch how beautiful my life is. It is almost too beautiful to even look at.

I have all of these people who have all of these people that all show up. There is an army of support. I have a God that is bigger than any panic attack or gloomy day. There is always, always a solution. Sometimes I just take a little while to find the right one.

I just have to look up.

For the record, no succulents were harmed during the making of this blog entry.

Matthew 11:28-30

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light

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