Twice in the last 7 days, I have fallen asleep without remembering falling asleep. This may sound pretty small, but most everything in my life is pretty planned out and routine. There was no forethought, I just crashed. I guess I just had a few days of running on empty.
I don’t want this to sound like a pity party and I assure you there is a bigger picture. I also want to assure you that if given the choice, I would choose my role over any other time and time again. I love it.
As mothers, we are the most treasured and loved people in the house. Mothers are also some of the most forgotten people in the house. Think about it. We are all guilty of forgetting mom at one time.
Sometimes my needs come so last, I fall asleep in the middle of praying, or reading, or my favorite show. I fall asleep doing things that I enjoy because I have spent my entire day on everyone else. I’ve even fallen asleep still wearing my work clothes.
When the youngest was just learning to talk, he would point at things and grunt and I would retrieve them for him. My kids drop trash on the floor or clothes in the laundry room and I just take care of it. I can’t tell you how many days I want to cry over neverending laundry. They wake me up for homework that should’ve been done at 6pm when they “didn’t have any” rather than 11pm and “it’s due tomorrow”. And I do it. Everytime.
When someone needs a cheese stick opened the boys will literally open the shower door and with one soapy eye I will stop what I am doing and open it. I show up for practice and games and drive over the speed limit to make it happen. I will ignore my exhaustion or hunger or need to just be alone for a minute and run to whatever need it is my family has.
There are so many times I just go to God and grunt and point at what I want. I dump all of my trash and dirty laundry at His feet. No matter what time I come to Him, He is there. Everytime. My God shows up to everything I do. Everything. And what do I give back?
Sometimes I think I forget to even say thank you or I fall asleep before I can. I forget all about Him. I know I can count on Him for anything. He is always where I run. But I forget Him. He gets me through and I can’t even pencil Him in for more than a few moments.
I was venting to another mom today about how hard it all can be. I only have 4 kids in my house. God has me beat by a long shot. He is also more capable than I will ever be, but that shouldn’t stop me from giving back to Him.
1 Corinthians 8:3
But if anyone loves God, he is known by God.
So why don’t I get to know God? I feel like I’m constantly convicted by my lack of affection for God. So, when do I change this? Will I forever be the baby pointing at what I want? Will I just dump my junk at His feet and take off? Maybe there’s really no way to fully repay Him. But why not try?
I doubt that God is that dark circle eyed mom in gym clothes at the car pool line in the morning stressing over how to make it all happen in 24 hours. He is greater than that. I can safely bet that our Heavenly Father isn’t resentful over our enormous pile of dirty clothes. He just washes them clean.
Richard Braunstein has this great quote. I think it puts it all into perspective. He says, “It is possible to give without loving, but it is impossible to love without giving.”
I can always tell where my priorities are by where I am giving. I have to be honest here, I am not always giving to God. I have heard that it is in giving that we receive. What greater gift is there to receive than the gift of Christ?